I've held it in my hands, and rolled it through my fingers, I've tasted it in my mouth but it will never be mine. Is knowing that it exists enough? Can it be sufficient to have the knowledge of a thing that you can never possess, never truly experience?

There are some things in life that leave such indelible mark on us that we can never forget them, never let them go. We know we will spend our lives chasing them in what will end as a futile pursuit. There is a beauty in futility that I don't think many people ever truly see. My eyes were opened to it when I first realized that I was never going to have a daddy. What a silly thing for a grown woman to say, yet I not only said it but I meant it as well. I am content to give up the glorious father and child reunion to live with the exquisite ache of the certainty that my futile search will never lead to my continued rejection by a father that has no desire to know me. 

Still, there are some things that people would look at and tell me, "You know that can never be yours" or "You know there is no answer to that" and I refuse to see it. I refuse to give in to the idea that it is futile for me to seek out that answer ot for me to strive to make whatever it is that I want- MINE. 

I think tht delicate balance between knowing some things and hoping for others is a tricky thing and I throw mine off all the time. I fall down so far into the mix of it that I can barely find myself much less find what it is that I am looking for. There have been times when I've fallen so hard that I can't even remember what it is that I am looking for. Usually, I think the ultimate answer is that I am looking for myself. Sadly, I don't know that I would know me if I saw me. 

If on most days I am content with my life...I am making the most of what I have and letting go of the past....I am looking forward to a future that has happiness inside of it...Does the path that I take to get to those days really matter? 

Is the man who finishes the race but was lost the entire way any less finished than the man that stayed the course the entire time? I don't think so. Maybe he isn't as fulfilled, but he is just as finished. 

Fulfillment is better than finished.  I hate the way the resemble one another so much.

If I had given in immediately it would have been ages ago when you knew how I truly felt. I know how to fight, how to hold back, deny myself. Deny me to defy you and I will win every time. 

I have known for a long time that if you could take it back, you would. What you lack in courage you can't make up for with conviction. You're the epitome of what you hate and you hate me because I am the only one that knows the score.

The night that you learned you weren't the god that you had always thought yourself to be you were wearing that blue shirt with the mysterious stain on the sleeve. Your hair was in your face and your mouth was curled just like a lie. Your eyes couldn't focus and your hands couldn't steady themselves. 

Your music is coming in through the tiny particles of air and choking me but it looks so beautiful that I can't turn away. I want to be able to hate everything you are but I can only muster the strength to hate...everything you made me.

Well, I've been away for maybe the longest time ever from LJ. It's been a strange time but good, for the most part.

I should be ashamed for not coming and thanking those of you who sent Christmas cards, gifts and letters. So...Thank you all now. It meant a lot and really brightened up the season. 

I've been a member of LJ now for many years and I've never once thought paying for it was any better than the free junk....but yet again someone has paid for my LJ and for extra pictures....So, thank you as well. I have a feeling it was just a plot to get to me update. I guess it worked if that was the case.

I'll try to come back soon and put something of interest here....if anyone still reads this stuff, that is.

Much love to you all.
xoxo

The colors you paint don't exist in the same realm that we live in. They are only brushed against the ashy canvas of what we could have been.

Today would my brother's 28th birthday. He would be my friend and confidant. Instead he has now been dead longer than he was alive.  The 4th of July was 14 years since the day he was killed. I can't come to grips with this. It's like he is in everything I do and everything I say and I can't move on and I can't back up and it isn't killing me...and maybe THAT is the problem.